3 Years – A letter to Jay ‹ Missing My Husband ‹ Reader — WordPress.com

Suicide, mental health, and it’s impact on men!

3 Years – A letter to Jay ‹ Missing My Husband ‹ Reader — WordPress.com
— Read on wordpress.com/read/blogs/114463822/posts/671

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I Got You

©️2019Nova

I see you

When you’re smile like there’s nothing wrong.

I hear you

When you’re laughing, and saying ” I’m alright”.

I see you

When you’re out with friends and the talk of the table.

I hear you

When you close your eyes; and your dreams speak.

Between the lines that others read,

Is a story all of it’s own.

It’s not hidden, it’s just unrecognizable to most.

But I see it; and I hear it.

It’s not comfortable, it’s distributing to say the least.

But I’ve seen it, and I’ve heard it before…

Because I’ve been there.

I was you.

My Mental Health Journey 10

©️2019NovaNamaste

[Biggest Sigh!!]

I realized something about myself, this morning. I’ve NEVER been in the  “immediate” circle of someone who’s had major health issues or experienced a long drawn out suffering death. I’ve had family members die; but, I’m not close to them. I didn’t see any of the “hard” stuff.

I don’t know how to handle what I’m in. I don’t know what to think about it. I know what I have to accept; and, I’m trying my hardest. I know that there’s a possibility that this individual will improve. Right now, that improvement is slow. Every day that passes, I feel like I lived another week.

I’m expecting myself to adapt to this change; and, I’m waiting for this situation to become my new normal. It doesn’t feel like a “good” or “bad” thing, but something that might actually feel easier.

Last night, I thought about conversation. I thought about friendship and support. I thought about what needs said and what I need to hear to feel better. Is that selfish? I don’t know, maybe! Right now, I don’t care. I know that I’m hurting and it sucks.

In my situation, I feel like such comments like ” He’s lucky to have you. You’ve been here for him since the beginning. ”  And.” I am so proud of you for handling this so well. It’s tough but so are you.” Would sound so nice in this situation…. Where I feel worthlessly helpless.               ” Support” is defined (well my definition) as uplifting, active listening to, and emotionally being available for someone. A goal in supporting a friend to make sure they don’t feel alone in the situation. It’s hearing this individual so you understand (to the best of your ability) them. It’s conversing with them about what their thoughts are, how they’re doing, and what ways can you help.  I don’t think that’s selfish to want. I can’t tell you how many times I have heard parallel stories of others lives when I needed a friend to talk to.

 

Ok, that’s exhaustingly deep for my low caffeine and sleep levels. Please keep me and mine in prayer. Thank you!

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My Mental Health Journey 7

©️2019NovaNamaste

Some days I’m not going to feel like myself. When half of my soul is not doing well, and hospitalized, how can I possibly feel completely myself.

Being HSP and an Empath, I’m physically capable of ” sensing” what others do. With him, it’s a STRONG pull… And it’s exhausting!

Soulmate is the word our society uses ever so lightly. Marriage vows often define the cost of the wedding, designer of the dress, and signatures on paper… It’s not a sanctified union anymore.

But when you’re someone like me, and you love someone beyond anything understandable to human life, because such is everything most couldn’t ever feel… Then, you sit, and pray like you’ve never prayed before.

I’m not ok today. I’m exhausted. For some time, my life has been chaos… Sickness, hospital visits, puke, bitchy school staff, inconsiderate neighbors, pain in the ass car…

It’s just me dealing with all this. I’m paralyzed to do much, because my anxiety nearly has me consumed to my oversized chair. I may try and sleep.

It’s not what I’d prefer to be doing right now, but the temporary comfort of warmth and coziness would be nice. It’s just me here at home, right now. Though I have many thing I COULD be doing, I don’t want to.

Please continue to pray for my boyfriend. I’m hoping there was little to no damage done and that he is released soon. Thank you.

It’s OK to not be okay, sometimes. Today, I’m not ok.

My Mental Health Journey 2

©️2019mynamaste365online

Shared this via @MightyApp and I haven’t recieved the support I needed.

Again, I’m sharing my bits of Mental Health Journey. As much as I advocate for Healthy & Self -Care, I’m human. I’ll have low days, and days when I struggle to feel positive and at peace. Believe it or not, today was one of those days.

Here’s what I posted on the app:

Today’s Sunday, the day most spend with family. My boyfriend had ” brunch” with his. Sounds lovely, right?! It is…
But here’s more of the back story…
I’m not all that included in his family. Part of it is he’s super cautious whom he brings around his children. The other part is he only knows about 5 months of me, from the 2 1/4 years we’ve been together.
He began having seizures last fall. He had a quick surgery, in his temporal lobe… Where the memory bank is located. It seemed once he came out of surgery and back to his life, I’m the one he forgot… Of those who mattered most, anyway.
I’ve struggled BEYOND COMPREHENTION with trying to ” start over and relearn” him.
Anyway, Sundays are suppose to be wonderful days of family, I am trying my hardest to be patient and believe he’ll naturally begin to include me, but today I’m just struggling. I never want him to feel guilty or obligated. I never want sympathy for my life… I just want to belong.. And to belong with him and his family. I want all of us, me and my two, him and his kids.. All of us. It’s what I hope for.
#CheckInWithMe  #heartbreak  #Depression  #Epilepsy#Anxiety  #MightyTogether  #CheckInWithMe  #Grief#Sadness  #sad  #hurting  #tears  #mighty  #Prayer#struggling

Thank you for simply listening!

Trauma

©️2019mynamaste365online

The trauma was like lidocaine;

Numbed the feeling of pain.

She walked through the motions,

Without expectations and notion,

To be happy again, or the

Belief this nightmare will end.

One foot followed the other,

One day after another.

Then it happened,

The pain felt less,

She had less mess.

She decided to go out,

Walk out and about.

She met a few friends,

And felt interested again.

Healing process takes time,

Most of all, for the mind.

Heartbroken Hotel

Broken Roads

Photo Credit ©️ J Hardy Carroll

The bachelor pad spread generously across the entire upper floor. Stephen has lived here for five years and in England for ten.

The night of February 14, 2009, he came home with Thai food & a dozen roses. He wanted an intimate and romantic night of their favorite Rod Stewart music, quality time, & undivided attention. Everything was perfect….Malinga disappeared.. he was too perfect.

The woman, who stole his heart, broke it just as easily. He was devastated; and on the verge of a seriously dangerous mental breakdown. He moved for the well-being of himself, half way around the world.

©️2019mynamaste365online

Written for Rochelle Wisoff-Fields ‘ Friday Fictioneers. You can read more about the picture challenge here.

Credit the Source

It’s flattering to reference an individual of any talent, as long as credit is rightfully acknowledged. We are all gifted with blessings, and what a world it is to have access to them. Our lives are better, more enriched. It’s the respect of due credit that displays thanks and appreciation for the gift.

Pixabay

Check out Fandango’s One Word Challenge Here 💜

Four Days Since

Progress in my Journey

We structure our lives around “time”. Since Jesus’ day, humans have been doing this. He says, in Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

To every thing there is a season,
          
and a time to every purpose under the heaven:
          
A time to be born, a time to die;
          
a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;
          
A time to kill, and a time to heal;
          
a time to break down, and a time to build up;
          
A time to weep, and a time to laugh;
          
a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
          
A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together;
          
a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
          
A time to get, and a time to lose;
          
a time to keep, and a time to cast away;
          
A time to rend, and a time to sew;
          
a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
          
A time to love, and a time to hate;
          
A time of war, and a time of peace.

Time… the center of all that operates, finishes, begins, and exists….

In life, there are moments, we all have expierenced: birthdays, school, losing teeth, learning to walk.

Other moments appear in most of our timelines: graduation, driving, marriage, children.

Time is the constant change, ironically the very thing we pray will

Stop when life feels wonderful…

Be forgettable when moments are uncomfortable…

Hurry when we’re eager…

Slow down when we desire….

As if we’ve ever had control of its infinite existence and fulfilling purpose.

We didn’t create life, in the terms of ” in the beginning”. We never decided how life reproduces, species adapt, animals appear. We weren’t given such control.

Considering our mortal imperfections, I am relieved such is true. Never do I wish to hold the responsibility of which all things weave together in life’s dance.

Having said that, then, I must be patient and allow it to do what’s meant for me. I must trust it, in the intentions it has, for my wellbeing. I must live it, now… Because, it doesn’t stop, and it won’t slow down. I must use it in such a way that means something, because those individuals are who we remember… Because love is the ONLY that conquered death.

I have been lost, in past memories, quite a bit the last several days. Some days logic kicked my ass with the facts. Time after time after time…. (Fill in the blank). Unfortunately, this phrase comes with a list. Sucks! They’re truths, though. I had to accept them. I had to change it.

Other days, I’m lost in reasons why I miss him. Moments of intimacy and delicious closeness. His presence was lacking. That was the number one issue.

Time is stirring all of this, showing me signs, revising my vision of myself, refueling my heart and soul… And revealing clarity in the form of wisdom. None of this can happen if I don’t be patient…

Pain is uncomfortable, but so is being mistreated and neglected. Four days later, I do feel a bit more strength. I feel growth and faith.

I’m trusting my process

Time is on my side.

Where

Where’s the place you put the pieces of a broken heart?

Where’s the bottle that attempts to hold all the tears you cry?

Where’s the comfort when everything you are reminds you of him?

Where’s the happiness when you can’t even breathe?

Where’s the love I deserved, and was neglected?

Where’s the arms that I needed and weren’t there for me?

Where’s the eyes that couldn’t wait to see me, every time you see me?

Where’s my best friend, who listens when I have a bad day?

Where’s my confidant, when I need to vent?

There’s entirely too many questions….

The Wrapping

Sometimes, it’s your good heart wrapping up the truth in vibrant and ambitious paper. You’re not at fault for that, nor should you EVER change it.
BUT, what’s the truth is fact. It’s what is, regardless of whether its pretty wrapped or sitting bare.
We must learn to accept truth for what it is, not sit in obliviousness admiring the wrapping.

Walking

Credit attached

I’m in a new season of life. I don’t feel strong; I don’t feel emotionally capable of sounding ok or writing about all the positivity I have been. The very idea of positivity sounds patronizing to me right now…. But I’m just hurting…. And with hurt comes grief and anger.

What’s going on?

I’m walking… In an opposite direction, alone. I don’t want to, and I don’t know how long I’ll feel this way. I do know that the road feels bleek. The ugliest shades of winter and gray, overcast and cold. Sounds so depressing just to think about. I hope along the way, a front porch light turns on, and a friend will welcome me in. That won’t erase my reality, but it will brighten it.

Walking away is difficult, or everyone would be doing it… Ha, then we’d all look like the apocalypse with aimless wonderers contesting normality and questioning sanity. If that were the case, at least we’d keep each other out from traffic.

I’m walking in the opposite direction, because I’m not happy. I’m walking in the opposite direction because change won’t come unless I make it. I’m walking in the opposite direction in hopes that my message is loud and clear, even if I’m not certain what that is, or if there’s one or multiple.

I am intelligent. I know patterns define the character of a person. I know that I feel heavy, with sadness, rage, confusion, and a million questions. How could I expect myself to walk any road with all of that? Why would I? What’s the point? Life wasn’t made to be lived in such a condition.

Truths are staring me in the face, and they’re painful. It’s a part of life we all expierence, some of us on multiple occasions. I’ve read that pain doesn’t stop until you learn the lesson. That makes sense. The lessons right now are pivotal to my happiness. The truths in what I’m expierencing are evident to me, and quite possibly only me. It’s up to me to stop the insanity… So I changed directions and started walking.

Denial

I thought that if I acted like it didn’t matter, it wouldn’t. No one warned me; I never saw the sign… It comes back stronger, three times fold, with every effort to resist.

The reminders are everywhere. Friends no longer stop and say hello. They don’t know how to handle it, making eye contact, knowing what they know.

The store window where we met; the diner of our first date. I can’t escape the taunting ruthlessness. I had visited the studio where we recorded our love album, and I felt I could physically feel your presence.

You’ve only been gone six months, but, even now, the wound is so raw.. there isn’t a safety scab or a bandaid capable of taking off any edge of this.

I thought if I could put you out of my mind, and act like it didn’t matter, that it wouldn’t…

But, denial is only the first stage in the process of grieving.

Photo Credit: pixel
Photo Credit: Pixel

Prompt inspired by Promptuarium

Hotlines

List taken from this website:D

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline
1-800-273-8255

Crisis text line
http://www.crisistextline.org/
Text HOME to 741741

US Trans lifeline
http://www.translifeline.org/
(877) 330-6366

SAMHSA Treatment Referral Helpline
1‑877‑SAMHSA7 (1‑877‑726‑4727)

Adolescent Suicide Hotline
800-621-4000

Adolescent Crisis Intervention & Counseling Nineline
1-800-999-9999

AIDS National Hotline
1-800-342-2437

CHADD-Children & Adults with Attention Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder
1-800-233-4050

Child Abuse Hotline
800-4-A-CHILD

Cocaine Help Line
1-800-COCAINE (1-800-262-2463)

Domestic Violence Hotline
800-799-7233

Domestic Violence Hotline/Child Abuse
1-800-4-A-CHILD (800 422 4453)

Drug & Alcohol Treatment Hotline
800-662-HELP

Ecstasy Addiction
1-800-468-6933

Eating Disorders Center
1-888-236-1188

Family Violence Prevention Center
1-800-313-1310

Gay & Lesbian National Hotline
1-888-THE-GLNH (1-888-843-4564)

Gay & Lesbian Trevor HelpLine Suicide Prevention
1-800-850-8078

Healing Woman Foundation (Abuse)
1-800-477-4111

Help Finding a Therapist
1-800-THERAPIST (1-800-843-7274)

Incest Awareness Foundation
1-888 -547-3222

Learning Disabilities – (National Center For)
1-888-575-7373

National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI)
1-800-950-NAMI (6264)

Panic Disorder Information Hotline
800- 64-PANIC

Post Abortion Trauma
1-800-593-2273

Project Inform HIV/AIDS Treatment Hotline
800-822-7422

Rape (People Against Rape)
1-800-877-7252

Rape, Abuse, Incest, National Network (RAINN)
1-800-656-HOPE (1-800-656-4673)

Runaway Hotline
800-621-4000

Self-Injury (Information only)
(NOT a crisis line. Info and referrals only)
1-800-DONT CUT (1-800-366-8288)

Sexual Assault Hotline
1-800-656-4673

Sexual Abuse – Stop It Now!
1-888-PREVENT

STD Hotline
1-800-227-8922

Suicide Prevention Lifeline
1-800-273-TALK

Suicide & Crisis Hotline
1-800-999-9999

Suicide Prevention – The Trevor HelpLine
(Specializing in gay and lesbian youth suicide prevention).
1-800-850-8078

IMAlive-online crisis chat
https://www.imalive.org/

Teen Helpline
1-800-400-0900

Victim Center
1-800-FYI-CALL (1-800-394-2255)

Youth Crisis Hotline
800-HIT-HOME

Signs & Symptoms

Just as with other illness, prevention is key! To keep a cold away, doctors recommend individuals wash hands, keep hands away from the mouth, cover a sneeze or cough with an elbow or tissue.

Occasionally, we miss something though. Before long, someone in the family is feverish, grumpy with no appetite. The symptoms were there, and actions are taken to stop the illness from progressing.

Each mental illness has it’s own set of signs and symptoms. These are extremely important because a mental illness isn’t as obvious to the world around us.. it’s the invisible battle.

The common warning signs are the following:

  1. Major changes in sleep, eating habits, and personal care habits.
  2. Quick or dramatic changes in mood.
  3. Disinterest in events, people, activities that were once enjoyed.
  4. Descrease in effort into tasks: work, home, activities.
  5. Increase difficulty with concentration on memory or thought and speech that’s complex.
  6. Increase in sensitivity, easily overwhelmed and avoids such situations.
  7. Apathy
  8. Feeling a sense of out of the body. Disconnected from own thoughts, life, and surroundings.
  9. Illogical reason such as that in the childhood stage.
  10. Peculiar and bizarre behavior.

Further details and information can be found by clicking the link above and any links in the Common Mental Disorders blog post!

Photo credit: pixabay

Dear You

Dear You,

You trying to be invisible,

You secluding in the back,

Dear You,

You driving to fast,

You hiding under the sheets,

Dear You,

You staggering in at 6 a.m.,

You crying upon endlessness crying,

Dear You,

You drowning yourself in pity,

You convincing yourself of shit,

Dear You,

You shutting everyone out,

You pushing everything away,

Dear You,

You refusing to eat,

You dwelling on the past,

Dear You,

You doing nothing,

You expecting nothing to change,

Dear You,

You living behind excuses,

You allowing aimless days,

Dear You,

You drinking every dollar away,

You squandering savings in slot machines,

Dear You,

You soaking up the victim role,

You selling yourself to ignorance,

Dear You,

You dallying the present day

You loosing yourself.

Dear You,

You justifying your behavior,

You wasting life away,

Stop! Enough is enough, and none of this is healthy.

Dear YOU:

You need help.

You need self-love to tell you, you’re worth more.

A Beginner at an Ending

Right now, I’m watching a Netflix Original Series , “The L Word”.

In this particular segment, Jenny, a compulsive and inspiring author, is meeting with an editor. She’s been diligently writing from the moment her character was introduced in Season 1.

Her script has finally landed in the hands of a publisher, who’s desire is to put her story out “there”. Jenny’s in tears; she celebrates out loud… In the very moment she opens the envelope of her first advancement.

The plot twist: Jenny’s story is dark. As her words formulated on paper, she relived every single haunting detail of childhood. Unfortunately, this munipulated her mind and lead her to self destruct.

The editor argues Jenny’s portraying herself as a victim, who’s encouraging young girls to cut themselves to handle the agnony.

To Jenny, as her life spins undeniably and profusely out of control, this choice… is a moment, when she feels some control of it.

The editor proclaims that despite her adversity, Jenny is here. She’s survived. Her strength has brought her to this meeting, where Jenny’s sitting with an editor, discussing a nightmare that happens to be her life.

Our lives are a tangled mix of victories and mistakes. We are individuals that have faced life that appeared completely uphill… and we doubted everything we ever thought to be true. We’ve seen questionable behavior. We’ve heard gut wrenching confessions. We’ve testified that no one else could possibly understand what “this is like!!”…

Haven’t we?….

We’ve felt like we’ve lost it… that we aren’t making sense, and that our sanity has abandoned us. We’ve felt this universe, or God has officially acted on some conspiring vendetta against us… and that for unbeknownst reasons, we MUST deserve it… where the ONLY thing that seems to make sense… and the only person that understands is the lie “pick up that razor blade”, ” go buy another 24 pack”, “you know where to find heroin.”, or ” You are just a pathetic nobody that fails at everything.”

Our hearts are strong enough to accept what’s happened to us. Professionals, religious affiliates, nature, and even children can help… do help. WILL HELP.

Our CHOICE to begin the process is how we change though. No one can force us to believe it’s possible. No one should ever hold that responsibility for our life.

Jenny survives so much ugliness, and the editor is pushing her to see it… But, it’s Jenny’s life… and it’s her perspective. When the final day ends, does she want to be seen as a victim… carrying around her past, avoiding all roads that lead to hope and transformation? Or will she choose to withdrawal the shades, push open the windows, and allow the wind to dust off the cobwebs?

You get to decide.

Seventeen Years Later

Wow!…

I can’t wrap my brain around the idea that our United States has seen this many “9/11″s.

Before that September Day, for many of us.. 9-11 was 9-1-1. It symbolized hope, and help. Teachers and parents taught us, as children, these three, single digit numbers, were a life-line to call someone “in an emergency”. If someone needed help, if something happened at home, if a friend was bleeding or in pain, 9-1-1 was all we needed to dial, and the situation would be better.

Continue reading “Seventeen Years Later”

Suicide Awareness Month #2

48BA3B26-E54A-407A-84BF-95F3C8630FD6These are the 5 steps to get involved in someone’s life who may be suicidal. Now, you may say, “Brandy, my (whomever) was happy go lucky all the time. (Whomever) was always smiling and laughing. I had no idea there was even a problem.”

Robin Williams is exactly this scenario. When people hurt the most, he/she will  use tactics to disguise the pain. Individuals, who hurt so deeply, don’t want to trouble others with their problems. Not only that, they believe no one hears them anyway.

Is that incorrect? Were they talking to deaf ears? That’s a topic for another post. Here is how you can make a difference. This is how you can make an impact, and possibly save a life. We all hurt, we all bleed.

Our financial status….

Our religious preference…

Our political affiliation…

Our race…

Our gender…

Our homeland…

….. Suicide doesn’t  discriminate… Pain is worldwide….. And it hurts…

This poster, along with many other resources, can be found HERE🙏🏼

Suicide Awareness Month #3

striking facts:

▪ Five million Americans have attempted suicide. Every seventeen minutes, one of them succeeds.

▪ Three and a half million Americans are survivors of a loved one’s suicide. Most of them have been left with a sense of guilt and deep grief.

▪ Between 1999 and 2010, the suicide rate in this country rose over 30%.

▪ Between 1952 and 1995, the suicide rate of young people (ages 15-24) tripled.

▪ Suicide is the second leading cause of death among college students.

▪ There are more deaths annually of young people by suicide than automobile fatalities.

▪ Fifteen percent of clinically depressed people commit suicide.

▪ Ten percent of suicide attempts made without a gun are successful.

▪ Ninety percent of suicide attempts made with a gun are successful.

▪ There has been a 128% increase in suicides among children aged 10-14 since 1980.

▪ One in twelve high school students has attempted suicide.

▪ More young people die from suicide than cancer, heart disease, AIDS, birth defects, strokes, pneumonia, and lung disease combined.

▪ Eighty percent of successful suicides have given clear warnings of their intentions to others prior to taking their lives.

▪ Teen boys commit suicide at a rate 4 times greater than girls.

▪ Divorced men commit suicide at a rate 10 times greater than divorced women.

▪ Baby boomers have a higher rate of suicide than any other age group.

▪ One out of three successful suicides has made at least one previous attempt.

▪ An attempt made within one year of an unsuccessful attempt is 100 times more likely to be successful than a first attempt.

Stats taken from pin.it/2bsnocob4xetzf

#BeThe1To Suicide Awareness

This is a tough subject… But, especially for those of us who’s lives have been impacted by it. That percentage is probably higher than we think.

The why’s, what if’s, should’ve… The mind doesn’t stop. For days.. Endlessly in manic mode until anxiety is wrapped around the throat.. And you feel officially crazy.

It sucks..but, what that individual felt before ending his/her life is even more so horrific… Because they felt their pain was more than any solution could fix.

September is Suicide Awareness Month. Right now, we can make a difference. We can ask questions and actively listen. We can hug and hold someone who’s hurting. We can encourage someone to seek help. Right now, though we won’t save them all, we CAN DO something to positively impact a situation… That may result in a different outcome.

The American Veterans struggle with PTSD. Other individuals struggle with CPTSD. Anxiety and Depression rates are high. There’s lots of situations that place dangerously high levels of stress on an individual and his/her family.

Here is the Suicide Prevention Website

I’m going to keep this topic for September. I would hope if you are upset with this, you’d scroll on past me;)

10 of the best mental health apps for 2018

Life happens! When it does, these apps are here to assist us in regaining control of our thoughts, breathing, confidence, and self esteem. These handy apps are here if we’re looking for a peaceful little away scape, place to throw up some thoughts, and talk with a professional about a situation. At any moment, I hope any of these apps help you find your peace once again.

Whether you’re going through a rough patch, experiencing depression, anxiety, or stress, or having relationship issues, there is an app to help.
— Read on www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/320557.php

Spread Kindness against Bullying

  1. News Coverage of Jamel’s Story
  2. Donations Page

Fictioneers Friday

Photo Prompt: Ronda Del Boccio 

Sarah sat in her wheelchair, admiring the new greenery her mother arranged on the old brick porch. She’s missed her wildlife, outdoors, and nature friends. She hasn’t been able to adventure out much this Spring; her immune system has been much too fragile.

Until recently, Sarah was a member of the Rhode Island Gardeners Association and Future Farmers Association . She also volunteered with the local Girl Scouts & 4H Club.

Roughly, 9 months ago, her world crashed. Sarah was diagnosed with Hodgkin Lympoma. Despite her illness, Sarah decided then to live every  moment to the fullest.

Going Bananas 🍌🍌

I wouldn’t be fulfilling my purpose of this blog, and very nice to keep this cool info to myself, if I didn’t share this article with you! Bananas, not only, help with physical health, but also, mental! So cool!

www.topbuzz.com/article/i6579247884313559557

Vulnerable

Life is such a rollercoaster. It’s even more so when you’re hormonal, sleep deprived, an Empath, and HSP. Right now, I feel so much that I feel like I’m going crazy. My sadness outweighs everything else, and I don’t want to be anywhere but home… Where it’s safe.

In this case, safe would be where I am free from judgment, hurt, emotional pain, strain on my heart because of imperfect humanness, and loneliness. Didn’t know when this year started, that my life would feel like a torturous game of “escape room”, but sometimes, it does.

For now, I’m going to nestle myself into my home. I’m laying off stressing myself about finances, outside responsibilities, events, socializing, housework , and pain. Monday is my birthday, and I deserve one day exactly how I’d like it to go.

When all is said and done, I’ve made it through every trial this far. I must be doing alright.

Good Night.

#8. Incense

As I was growing up, my sinuses never bothered me. Saline solution is a simple combination of salt and water. My tears handled the cleansing my face needed.

When I became a Sophomore in college, the tears weren’t as often…. because I became a bit more rebellious. One particular day, I was doing a pose in my yoga class. I had my left hand flat on the floor, tucked behind my left ankle. My right hand was completely horizontal with my left, and I was facing the ceiling. Out of no where, my temperature jumped super high and the room started spinning. It was the craziest feeling ever. I was freaking out.

After many years, I learned is it a condition called vertigo. There’s different types, and some can be corrected with surgery. I fortunately simply take prescribed Meclizine, and I’m feeling steady on my feet again.

Because of this sensitivity, I had to quit burning most candles. This really made me upset, because candles were one of my favorite parts of my self-care plan. I had them lit while in a hot bubble bath, in the evening while watching tv. They were my opened door to spiritual healing.

It wasn’t until three years ago, a decade later, that I discovered incense. A guy I knew had it burning at his house, and it wasn’t inflamming my sinuses!! I actually realized I preferred it over candles.

I’ve been an addicted fool ever since!

My favorite scents are by Essential Essences!!!

  1. 💕 Love
  2. 💕Rain Goddess
  3. 💕Tibetan Musk
  • This Picture

    I had lost thirteen pounds in two weeks. I was rudely awakened by the general consensus regarding others and my need to talk (they didn’t hear me!). I was isolated from a support system, most friends, professional help, and usually the general public. My anxiety astronomically skyrocketed because there was too much unknown. Not only that but there was absolutely NO consistency! I had terrible stomach pains, didn’t sleep much, drank entirely too much coffee…. and made myself feel crazy while “waiting”. The one ray of hope I THOUGHT I had, …. turned out to be a wolf in sheeps clothing. This was the life I had chosen for myself, a life most would’ve abandoned way sooner.

    I’m not in that particular “time” any longer, though the aftermath lingers. Being single feels super lonely. I just invested 14 months submitting to a dominant… Now, if you’re not familiar with this lifestyle, please Google it. Needless to say, the submission is completely voluntary because in return, her needs (both in and outside the bedroom) are met. That’s how it’s “suppose” to happen.

    Being single means alone… Sleeping, out to eat, nights, weekends, Netflix and Chill, every minute. Sure it’s healthy to be content with being alone. It’s necessary for such time, as well. Trust me, I understand that. There were too many instances over this time when I felt I should’ve had my boyfriend and I didn’t. He wasn’t there to hold me when I didn’t feel good. He wasn’t there to give me a hug when life felt too overwhelming. He wasn’t there to talk and work out our confrontations. He just wasn’t present.

    With all of that being said, this was and is the man who’s had the greatest place in my heart. I looked for hope with us. I looked for change, for improvement. I felt that if I saw growth, we were headed in the right direction.

    What direction was that?… And this is the error in this whole mess… The direction towards future tense picture of us. He and I were always talking about what we can do now to get to where we want to be. Now, that sounds like what a serious couple should be doing right? That’s something most couples do, and it should be a good sign… But, here’s the problem… Our current life wasn’t how we wanted it, so our goals were rather short term… We were working on this together… Hell, I thought we were even good as to being on the same page! This picture of us was constantly front and center! It’s how we always did it.

    The beginning of this year, all that I knew life to be for him and I stopped… Abruptly…

    And I wasn’t ready.

    Continue reading “This Picture”

    #6… (harder to do) I need your Help

    This day couldn’t have ended fast enough. Some days will be like that, and I’ll really find it difficult to see what made/makes me happy.

    Continue reading “#6… (harder to do) I need your Help”

    One Cup @ a Time

    There’s been lots of talk about suicide in the recent news. When it’s a celebrity who’s passed, the subject receives a great deal of spotlight. Unfortunately, most deaths aren’t of that status… To Me, these lives matter just as much!! Did you know though, that since 1999, the rate of death by suicide has increased by 30%?! According to the National Institution of Mental Health, and the Center for Disease Control and Prevention, WISQARS Leading Causes of Death Reports in 2016, nearly 44,000 individuals felt death was his/her only option.

    Thankfully, I’m not the only one who values us everyday citizens. This past week, while surfing through Facebook, I came across an incredibly inspiring video. The page is called Well-Rounded Life. The particular video I watched was about a coffee shop, in the Big City of Chicago. The staff addresses every individual as “friend”. The conversations are that of mental heath issues, and the customers receive guidance as to where to seek help, as well as listening from someone who genuinely cares. This coffee shop isn’t licensed in any form of professional mental health services; however, that doesn’t stop them from extending grace to those who are hiding the invisible scars.

    I was deeply touched by this story, as I’ve lost a loved one to suicide. I find that a gesture such as this, is the small change in the lives of many, that will begin a positive rippling affect. My hope is that others in the United States, where 123 suicides occur on a daily bases, will follow this incredible example of restored humanity. It doesn’t take a degree to listen. We aren’t expected to receive a college education to give time to an individual who’s hurting. Kindness costs absolutely nothing, but it makes a world of difference.

    For the Sip of Hope Coffee Bar, change is happening one cup at a time! That my friends, sounds like a sweet freshly brewed cup of awesomeness to me!

    #WATWB (We are the World Blogfest) entry ☕️☕️

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    You are worthy of Love💗

    https://bustle.app.link/8XQV11cnDN A New Report Shows How Much The Rate Of Death By Suicide Has Risen In The U.S.

    Every…

    Single…

    Time…

    This unfortunate, gruesome, heart-throbbing, and instantaneously devastating event occurs: my heart breaks. I have the dark black massive scary monsterous cloud shadow me..

    I’ve been in a position in life, with suicidal tendencies. I chose to LIVE!

    For countless others, living didn’t seem worth it. 💔 SINCE the day I began my life, (years after birth, but too private and painful to elaborate on.) I’ve met many people who have attempted it… And failed. They were men…

    In 2014, just barely a shy of a week post my birthday, suicide killed apart of me.. Taking a man who I needed, but more importantly, OUR daughter needed.

    To blame in this situation is pointless, but oh there’s lots of that. It’s easier, focusing on the anger that takes place in the grieving stages. What’s REALLY the root of our anger though? Their “selfishness”? Our “selfishness” because we no longer have them and our lives are no longer comfortable? Their lack of “effort to seek help”? Our “lack of effort” in giving our time to listen and enjoy them? I don’t think there’s ever one reason… And really, none of them will change what’s happened.

    At my husband’s funeral, I was in a trance. My eyes hurt, my anxiety was off the charts… and what did I have? A toddler, a dead husband, and a hate fan club with 1500 members and growing. Blaming me for his death, many who knew my husband judged me. It felt horrific. I needed loved. I needed empathy. I needed to feel I was going to be ok.

    I had to recover on my own. No one could do it for me, no matter what was or wasn’t said unsaid did or not done. It was MY life… my mental health. I was a mother. She needed to see life was still ok. She needed her childhood, her innocence.

    Depression and anxiety, loss and grief, pain and emotions are almost forbidden in “most” men at a very early age. It’s not manly to cry.. it’s a sign of weakness. The military trains the mind to break, and rebuild with a sense of inhumanity…. War… PTSD Veterans come home and try their damndest to return to normality. And they struggle… and struggle… some with homelessness… and hunger… and no financial stability… with flashbacks that rob them of sleep… and anxiety attacks that mutilate their sense of peace…

    Single men have no health insurance, many with child support bills, and jobs that don’t pay shit. That’s reality for some men in America… that’s terrible!

    The statistics in this article aren’t shocking if we sit and think about the set up of this country. They’re not shocking if we sit and consider every mass shooting in our lifetime. Mental health is a serious issue in this country. Duh, we see it (if we choose too)…

    Writing up articles are bringing the little voices in our hearts to front and center, ruffling feathers of comfort for those who look the other way….

    BUT, …. what does it solve? Is that not the goal, to bring awareness and take action? The Dr in this particular article was spot on. I admired his blunt honesty. He said empathize! He said we need to communicate with each other and listen to what’s being said. Sometimes, individuals just want to know they’re not invisible, left with a mountain of shit on their backs to carry for all of eternity.

    It’s time my friends, to make change to our world. We’re killing each other and we’re killing ourselves. We’re killing innocent children, who rely on us for protection. We’re killing the hope in humanity, and the beauty of living. It’s time for you and me to stop that … to decide today, that we’re not going to contribute any longer to the insanity whirlwind that’s taken so many of our loved ones. It’s time we choose to Love again!! Open your heart to someone… break the chains weighing you down by entrusting someone with your burdens… because I can promise you, you won’t be a burden to them. And to others, Open your heart to listen… and to hug someone. They NEED human contact! They’re carrying around too much… you just may save their life!!

     

    I have a blog, entitled Lost & Found, Written precisely about this subject. It’s carrying my heart of when my husband died. I hope all I’ve written helps you… and that

    EACH of YOU know I’m here…. if you need someone to talk to.

     

    With Much Much Love,

    Brandy