:(

Loss is the risk we take for loving!

My beloved turtles have passed away. I’m so heartbroken! I got so attached to them!

I’m legitimately really upset:(

Rip Ben & Jerry
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My Mental Health Journey 10

©️2019NovaNamaste

[Biggest Sigh!!]

I realized something about myself, this morning. I’ve NEVER been in the  “immediate” circle of someone who’s had major health issues or experienced a long drawn out suffering death. I’ve had family members die; but, I’m not close to them. I didn’t see any of the “hard” stuff.

I don’t know how to handle what I’m in. I don’t know what to think about it. I know what I have to accept; and, I’m trying my hardest. I know that there’s a possibility that this individual will improve. Right now, that improvement is slow. Every day that passes, I feel like I lived another week.

I’m expecting myself to adapt to this change; and, I’m waiting for this situation to become my new normal. It doesn’t feel like a “good” or “bad” thing, but something that might actually feel easier.

Last night, I thought about conversation. I thought about friendship and support. I thought about what needs said and what I need to hear to feel better. Is that selfish? I don’t know, maybe! Right now, I don’t care. I know that I’m hurting and it sucks.

In my situation, I feel like such comments like ” He’s lucky to have you. You’ve been here for him since the beginning. ”  And.” I am so proud of you for handling this so well. It’s tough but so are you.” Would sound so nice in this situation…. Where I feel worthlessly helpless.               ” Support” is defined (well my definition) as uplifting, active listening to, and emotionally being available for someone. A goal in supporting a friend to make sure they don’t feel alone in the situation. It’s hearing this individual so you understand (to the best of your ability) them. It’s conversing with them about what their thoughts are, how they’re doing, and what ways can you help.  I don’t think that’s selfish to want. I can’t tell you how many times I have heard parallel stories of others lives when I needed a friend to talk to.

 

Ok, that’s exhaustingly deep for my low caffeine and sleep levels. Please keep me and mine in prayer. Thank you!

img_1464-14

My Mental Health Journey 7×2

😔

It’s been hours since I’ve heard the news, and I don’t feel any better. I actually feel worse.

He’s unconscious because of a concussion. The thought of him like that breaks my heart.

My chest has physically hurt, all day. That could be because I’ve been alone, in my apartment, all day.

I’ve struggled with feeling a sense of belonging in his life, because he doesn’t remember me before last November. I question if I do have a right to know how he’s doing, or if I’m right where I should be. Not because I don’t love him, but because he doesn’t remember much of me. It’s all terribly painful. I feel I’ve invested so much into him that I deserve and should get updates, that these recent feelings are insecurities… But I also want what’s best for him… And I want to be a good impact, a healthy choice for him.

Then my car, guys, yesterday morning, I nearly lost control of it twice. My breaks started grinding when I went in reverse recently, so I knew I needed to make an appointment to have an alignment done. I didn’t have enough money so I was going to barrow some from my bf.

Meanwhile, while waiting for the funds to transfer, I’m going down the highway, and my wheels wanted to take my car to the right… Rather than straight. I don’t know if the rain made it lose traction or what, but I haven’t moved it since.

All of this has happened at once… And me in my head is making my chest hurt more by the second. Sure I’m positive I’ll have enough to get my car fixed, I’m almost positive my boyfriend will be released with minimal issues…

But, right now, I just need people to tell me, you’re not alone. Breathe, hey listen to my day, just distract me with conversation or reassurance that everything WILL be ok.

I need that right now…. Not likes. Thank you all. 🌸💖

My Mental Health Journey 2

©️2019mynamaste365online

Shared this via @MightyApp and I haven’t recieved the support I needed.

Again, I’m sharing my bits of Mental Health Journey. As much as I advocate for Healthy & Self -Care, I’m human. I’ll have low days, and days when I struggle to feel positive and at peace. Believe it or not, today was one of those days.

Here’s what I posted on the app:

Today’s Sunday, the day most spend with family. My boyfriend had ” brunch” with his. Sounds lovely, right?! It is…
But here’s more of the back story…
I’m not all that included in his family. Part of it is he’s super cautious whom he brings around his children. The other part is he only knows about 5 months of me, from the 2 1/4 years we’ve been together.
He began having seizures last fall. He had a quick surgery, in his temporal lobe… Where the memory bank is located. It seemed once he came out of surgery and back to his life, I’m the one he forgot… Of those who mattered most, anyway.
I’ve struggled BEYOND COMPREHENTION with trying to ” start over and relearn” him.
Anyway, Sundays are suppose to be wonderful days of family, I am trying my hardest to be patient and believe he’ll naturally begin to include me, but today I’m just struggling. I never want him to feel guilty or obligated. I never want sympathy for my life… I just want to belong.. And to belong with him and his family. I want all of us, me and my two, him and his kids.. All of us. It’s what I hope for.
#CheckInWithMe  #heartbreak  #Depression  #Epilepsy#Anxiety  #MightyTogether  #CheckInWithMe  #Grief#Sadness  #sad  #hurting  #tears  #mighty  #Prayer#struggling

Thank you for simply listening!

Protected: My Dear Love

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Heartbroken Hotel

Broken Roads

Photo Credit ©️ J Hardy Carroll

The bachelor pad spread generously across the entire upper floor. Stephen has lived here for five years and in England for ten.

The night of February 14, 2009, he came home with Thai food & a dozen roses. He wanted an intimate and romantic night of their favorite Rod Stewart music, quality time, & undivided attention. Everything was perfect….Malinga disappeared.. he was too perfect.

The woman, who stole his heart, broke it just as easily. He was devastated; and on the verge of a seriously dangerous mental breakdown. He moved for the well-being of himself, half way around the world.

©️2019mynamaste365online

Written for Rochelle Wisoff-Fields ‘ Friday Fictioneers. You can read more about the picture challenge here.

Dainty by Day, Nightmare by Night.

Angel smile with darkness in her heart.

Photo Credit: Roger Mosley Pixabay

She smiles..

And the sweetest of laughs passed through her lips.

Beauty, strength, and wisdom, she wore every

with elegance and grace.

Mingling among her company, she best

exemplifies the power of the mind.

When she found herself isolated, and the night

greeted her,

Her inner storm grew with dangerous fury.

The depth of her pain was inconceivable,

Nights she laid awake, fetal position and

sobbing with anguish.

Frustrated by the betrayal, she hid nothing of her

Heart.

When the grief diminished, rage set in and the

darkness of her soul ate the exquisite feast.

Written for The Haunted Wordsmith’s The Daily Writing Challenge.

Today’s Joy

I found joy in today.

Today’s joy has been a bit of a challenge. I’m coming down with the flu, along with having such a broken spirit. I’m trying though; and some days, that’s enough.

    My biggest joy today was ordering Christmas gifts for my girls. I know the holiday isn’t about gifts, but I’m thankful for what I could buy.
    I also spent quality time with my older daughter.
    The weather was comfortable.

Where

Where’s the place you put the pieces of a broken heart?

Where’s the bottle that attempts to hold all the tears you cry?

Where’s the comfort when everything you are reminds you of him?

Where’s the happiness when you can’t even breathe?

Where’s the love I deserved, and was neglected?

Where’s the arms that I needed and weren’t there for me?

Where’s the eyes that couldn’t wait to see me, every time you see me?

Where’s my best friend, who listens when I have a bad day?

Where’s my confidant, when I need to vent?

There’s entirely too many questions….

Walking

Credit attached

I’m in a new season of life. I don’t feel strong; I don’t feel emotionally capable of sounding ok or writing about all the positivity I have been. The very idea of positivity sounds patronizing to me right now…. But I’m just hurting…. And with hurt comes grief and anger.

What’s going on?

I’m walking… In an opposite direction, alone. I don’t want to, and I don’t know how long I’ll feel this way. I do know that the road feels bleek. The ugliest shades of winter and gray, overcast and cold. Sounds so depressing just to think about. I hope along the way, a front porch light turns on, and a friend will welcome me in. That won’t erase my reality, but it will brighten it.

Walking away is difficult, or everyone would be doing it… Ha, then we’d all look like the apocalypse with aimless wonderers contesting normality and questioning sanity. If that were the case, at least we’d keep each other out from traffic.

I’m walking in the opposite direction, because I’m not happy. I’m walking in the opposite direction because change won’t come unless I make it. I’m walking in the opposite direction in hopes that my message is loud and clear, even if I’m not certain what that is, or if there’s one or multiple.

I am intelligent. I know patterns define the character of a person. I know that I feel heavy, with sadness, rage, confusion, and a million questions. How could I expect myself to walk any road with all of that? Why would I? What’s the point? Life wasn’t made to be lived in such a condition.

Truths are staring me in the face, and they’re painful. It’s a part of life we all expierence, some of us on multiple occasions. I’ve read that pain doesn’t stop until you learn the lesson. That makes sense. The lessons right now are pivotal to my happiness. The truths in what I’m expierencing are evident to me, and quite possibly only me. It’s up to me to stop the insanity… So I changed directions and started walking.

Dear You

Dear You,

You trying to be invisible,

You secluding in the back,

Dear You,

You driving to fast,

You hiding under the sheets,

Dear You,

You staggering in at 6 a.m.,

You crying upon endlessness crying,

Dear You,

You drowning yourself in pity,

You convincing yourself of shit,

Dear You,

You shutting everyone out,

You pushing everything away,

Dear You,

You refusing to eat,

You dwelling on the past,

Dear You,

You doing nothing,

You expecting nothing to change,

Dear You,

You living behind excuses,

You allowing aimless days,

Dear You,

You drinking every dollar away,

You squandering savings in slot machines,

Dear You,

You soaking up the victim role,

You selling yourself to ignorance,

Dear You,

You dallying the present day

You loosing yourself.

Dear You,

You justifying your behavior,

You wasting life away,

Stop! Enough is enough, and none of this is healthy.

Dear YOU:

You need help.

You need self-love to tell you, you’re worth more.

#BeThe1To Suicide Awareness

This is a tough subject… But, especially for those of us who’s lives have been impacted by it. That percentage is probably higher than we think.

The why’s, what if’s, should’ve… The mind doesn’t stop. For days.. Endlessly in manic mode until anxiety is wrapped around the throat.. And you feel officially crazy.

It sucks..but, what that individual felt before ending his/her life is even more so horrific… Because they felt their pain was more than any solution could fix.

September is Suicide Awareness Month. Right now, we can make a difference. We can ask questions and actively listen. We can hug and hold someone who’s hurting. We can encourage someone to seek help. Right now, though we won’t save them all, we CAN DO something to positively impact a situation… That may result in a different outcome.

The American Veterans struggle with PTSD. Other individuals struggle with CPTSD. Anxiety and Depression rates are high. There’s lots of situations that place dangerously high levels of stress on an individual and his/her family.

Here is the Suicide Prevention Website

I’m going to keep this topic for September. I would hope if you are upset with this, you’d scroll on past me;)

10 of the best mental health apps for 2018

Life happens! When it does, these apps are here to assist us in regaining control of our thoughts, breathing, confidence, and self esteem. These handy apps are here if we’re looking for a peaceful little away scape, place to throw up some thoughts, and talk with a professional about a situation. At any moment, I hope any of these apps help you find your peace once again.

Whether you’re going through a rough patch, experiencing depression, anxiety, or stress, or having relationship issues, there is an app to help.
— Read on www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/320557.php

Spread Kindness against Bullying

  1. News Coverage of Jamel’s Story
  2. Donations Page

Vulnerable

Life is such a rollercoaster. It’s even more so when you’re hormonal, sleep deprived, an Empath, and HSP. Right now, I feel so much that I feel like I’m going crazy. My sadness outweighs everything else, and I don’t want to be anywhere but home… Where it’s safe.

In this case, safe would be where I am free from judgment, hurt, emotional pain, strain on my heart because of imperfect humanness, and loneliness. Didn’t know when this year started, that my life would feel like a torturous game of “escape room”, but sometimes, it does.

For now, I’m going to nestle myself into my home. I’m laying off stressing myself about finances, outside responsibilities, events, socializing, housework , and pain. Monday is my birthday, and I deserve one day exactly how I’d like it to go.

When all is said and done, I’ve made it through every trial this far. I must be doing alright.

Good Night.

#8. Incense

As I was growing up, my sinuses never bothered me. Saline solution is a simple combination of salt and water. My tears handled the cleansing my face needed.

When I became a Sophomore in college, the tears weren’t as often…. because I became a bit more rebellious. One particular day, I was doing a pose in my yoga class. I had my left hand flat on the floor, tucked behind my left ankle. My right hand was completely horizontal with my left, and I was facing the ceiling. Out of no where, my temperature jumped super high and the room started spinning. It was the craziest feeling ever. I was freaking out.

After many years, I learned is it a condition called vertigo. There’s different types, and some can be corrected with surgery. I fortunately simply take prescribed Meclizine, and I’m feeling steady on my feet again.

Because of this sensitivity, I had to quit burning most candles. This really made me upset, because candles were one of my favorite parts of my self-care plan. I had them lit while in a hot bubble bath, in the evening while watching tv. They were my opened door to spiritual healing.

It wasn’t until three years ago, a decade later, that I discovered incense. A guy I knew had it burning at his house, and it wasn’t inflamming my sinuses!! I actually realized I preferred it over candles.

I’ve been an addicted fool ever since!

My favorite scents are by Essential Essences!!!

  1. 💕 Love
  2. 💕Rain Goddess
  3. 💕Tibetan Musk
  • This Picture

    I had lost thirteen pounds in two weeks. I was rudely awakened by the general consensus regarding others and my need to talk (they didn’t hear me!). I was isolated from a support system, most friends, professional help, and usually the general public. My anxiety astronomically skyrocketed because there was too much unknown. Not only that but there was absolutely NO consistency! I had terrible stomach pains, didn’t sleep much, drank entirely too much coffee…. and made myself feel crazy while “waiting”. The one ray of hope I THOUGHT I had, …. turned out to be a wolf in sheeps clothing. This was the life I had chosen for myself, a life most would’ve abandoned way sooner.

    I’m not in that particular “time” any longer, though the aftermath lingers. Being single feels super lonely. I just invested 14 months submitting to a dominant… Now, if you’re not familiar with this lifestyle, please Google it. Needless to say, the submission is completely voluntary because in return, her needs (both in and outside the bedroom) are met. That’s how it’s “suppose” to happen.

    Being single means alone… Sleeping, out to eat, nights, weekends, Netflix and Chill, every minute. Sure it’s healthy to be content with being alone. It’s necessary for such time, as well. Trust me, I understand that. There were too many instances over this time when I felt I should’ve had my boyfriend and I didn’t. He wasn’t there to hold me when I didn’t feel good. He wasn’t there to give me a hug when life felt too overwhelming. He wasn’t there to talk and work out our confrontations. He just wasn’t present.

    With all of that being said, this was and is the man who’s had the greatest place in my heart. I looked for hope with us. I looked for change, for improvement. I felt that if I saw growth, we were headed in the right direction.

    What direction was that?… And this is the error in this whole mess… The direction towards future tense picture of us. He and I were always talking about what we can do now to get to where we want to be. Now, that sounds like what a serious couple should be doing right? That’s something most couples do, and it should be a good sign… But, here’s the problem… Our current life wasn’t how we wanted it, so our goals were rather short term… We were working on this together… Hell, I thought we were even good as to being on the same page! This picture of us was constantly front and center! It’s how we always did it.

    The beginning of this year, all that I knew life to be for him and I stopped… Abruptly…

    And I wasn’t ready.

    Continue reading “This Picture”

    #6… (harder to do) I need your Help

    This day couldn’t have ended fast enough. Some days will be like that, and I’ll really find it difficult to see what made/makes me happy.

    Continue reading “#6… (harder to do) I need your Help”

    One Cup @ a Time

    There’s been lots of talk about suicide in the recent news. When it’s a celebrity who’s passed, the subject receives a great deal of spotlight. Unfortunately, most deaths aren’t of that status… To Me, these lives matter just as much!! Did you know though, that since 1999, the rate of death by suicide has increased by 30%?! According to the National Institution of Mental Health, and the Center for Disease Control and Prevention, WISQARS Leading Causes of Death Reports in 2016, nearly 44,000 individuals felt death was his/her only option.

    Thankfully, I’m not the only one who values us everyday citizens. This past week, while surfing through Facebook, I came across an incredibly inspiring video. The page is called Well-Rounded Life. The particular video I watched was about a coffee shop, in the Big City of Chicago. The staff addresses every individual as “friend”. The conversations are that of mental heath issues, and the customers receive guidance as to where to seek help, as well as listening from someone who genuinely cares. This coffee shop isn’t licensed in any form of professional mental health services; however, that doesn’t stop them from extending grace to those who are hiding the invisible scars.

    I was deeply touched by this story, as I’ve lost a loved one to suicide. I find that a gesture such as this, is the small change in the lives of many, that will begin a positive rippling affect. My hope is that others in the United States, where 123 suicides occur on a daily bases, will follow this incredible example of restored humanity. It doesn’t take a degree to listen. We aren’t expected to receive a college education to give time to an individual who’s hurting. Kindness costs absolutely nothing, but it makes a world of difference.

    For the Sip of Hope Coffee Bar, change is happening one cup at a time! That my friends, sounds like a sweet freshly brewed cup of awesomeness to me!

    #WATWB (We are the World Blogfest) entry ☕️☕️

    Powered by Linky Tools

    Click here to enter your link and view this Linky Tools list…

    Disgusted

    #Storytime

    “This wasn’t what she wanted at all. She knew for months but only accepted it today, as she was about to start her day. Instead, she packed her bags…’

    As her mix of emotions streamed her chocolate smooth cheeks. For ten years now, she’s been in a marriage with a narcissist.

    Zella couldn’t have known, when she met Brice, what was to come. They had met online, through an online dating app, Chocolate Love.

    He was everything she ever dreamed. Towering her at 6” 7’, he had seductive brown eyes, a clean cut sophisticated groom, and Cologne that could hypnotize any heart. His profile identified him as a successful Stock Trader from WallStreet. He was raised in the hood-rat streets of South Chicago, with his seven sisters and four brothers.

    As she continued packing, Zella thought back to their first date. She and Brice communicated,via CL, for a few weeks before he asked her out.

    Continue reading “Disgusted”

    You are worthy of Love💗

    https://bustle.app.link/8XQV11cnDN A New Report Shows How Much The Rate Of Death By Suicide Has Risen In The U.S.

    Every…

    Single…

    Time…

    This unfortunate, gruesome, heart-throbbing, and instantaneously devastating event occurs: my heart breaks. I have the dark black massive scary monsterous cloud shadow me..

    I’ve been in a position in life, with suicidal tendencies. I chose to LIVE!

    For countless others, living didn’t seem worth it. 💔 SINCE the day I began my life, (years after birth, but too private and painful to elaborate on.) I’ve met many people who have attempted it… And failed. They were men…

    In 2014, just barely a shy of a week post my birthday, suicide killed apart of me.. Taking a man who I needed, but more importantly, OUR daughter needed.

    To blame in this situation is pointless, but oh there’s lots of that. It’s easier, focusing on the anger that takes place in the grieving stages. What’s REALLY the root of our anger though? Their “selfishness”? Our “selfishness” because we no longer have them and our lives are no longer comfortable? Their lack of “effort to seek help”? Our “lack of effort” in giving our time to listen and enjoy them? I don’t think there’s ever one reason… And really, none of them will change what’s happened.

    At my husband’s funeral, I was in a trance. My eyes hurt, my anxiety was off the charts… and what did I have? A toddler, a dead husband, and a hate fan club with 1500 members and growing. Blaming me for his death, many who knew my husband judged me. It felt horrific. I needed loved. I needed empathy. I needed to feel I was going to be ok.

    I had to recover on my own. No one could do it for me, no matter what was or wasn’t said unsaid did or not done. It was MY life… my mental health. I was a mother. She needed to see life was still ok. She needed her childhood, her innocence.

    Depression and anxiety, loss and grief, pain and emotions are almost forbidden in “most” men at a very early age. It’s not manly to cry.. it’s a sign of weakness. The military trains the mind to break, and rebuild with a sense of inhumanity…. War… PTSD Veterans come home and try their damndest to return to normality. And they struggle… and struggle… some with homelessness… and hunger… and no financial stability… with flashbacks that rob them of sleep… and anxiety attacks that mutilate their sense of peace…

    Single men have no health insurance, many with child support bills, and jobs that don’t pay shit. That’s reality for some men in America… that’s terrible!

    The statistics in this article aren’t shocking if we sit and think about the set up of this country. They’re not shocking if we sit and consider every mass shooting in our lifetime. Mental health is a serious issue in this country. Duh, we see it (if we choose too)…

    Writing up articles are bringing the little voices in our hearts to front and center, ruffling feathers of comfort for those who look the other way….

    BUT, …. what does it solve? Is that not the goal, to bring awareness and take action? The Dr in this particular article was spot on. I admired his blunt honesty. He said empathize! He said we need to communicate with each other and listen to what’s being said. Sometimes, individuals just want to know they’re not invisible, left with a mountain of shit on their backs to carry for all of eternity.

    It’s time my friends, to make change to our world. We’re killing each other and we’re killing ourselves. We’re killing innocent children, who rely on us for protection. We’re killing the hope in humanity, and the beauty of living. It’s time for you and me to stop that … to decide today, that we’re not going to contribute any longer to the insanity whirlwind that’s taken so many of our loved ones. It’s time we choose to Love again!! Open your heart to someone… break the chains weighing you down by entrusting someone with your burdens… because I can promise you, you won’t be a burden to them. And to others, Open your heart to listen… and to hug someone. They NEED human contact! They’re carrying around too much… you just may save their life!!

     

    I have a blog, entitled Lost & Found, Written precisely about this subject. It’s carrying my heart of when my husband died. I hope all I’ve written helps you… and that

    EACH of YOU know I’m here…. if you need someone to talk to.

     

    With Much Much Love,

    Brandy